"I don't want to know," says Johnny, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asks Johnny what is wrong.
"Oh Daddy," Johnny sobs. "At age six I got the "there's no Santa" speech. At age seven I got the "there's no Easter bunny" speech. Then at age eight you hit me with the "there's no tooth fairy" speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for."
How do you know when people don't understand a joke?...............................................They try to make her President.
A classroom, in the year 3055 ..........
Professor: Who was the shittiest U.S. President so far?
Student: Barack Obama.
Professor: Correct. Now, can you tell us how he rose to power?
Student: Yes, Many of our ancestors were morons.
A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.
The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."
The second archeologist shakes his head. "Sorry, Doc. You've got it wrong. Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. "It really says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"