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Saikatana

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Saikatana last won the day on February 8 2019

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  1. Saikatana

    A Matter of Perspective

    Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers...................................., I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning. I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (wearing an Bernie" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round. A new priest, born and raised in Alabama, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shat... what happened next?" I liked it better when the news gave us the facts and we formed our own opinions.................................not like now where they give us their opinion and we have to find the facts An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'" Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news." Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?" Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? ............It's all good news."
  2. Saikatana

    A Long Week

    I heard a lady next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you. Dear Lord, This has been a tough 12 months. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, and now my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor. I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is............... Barack Obama. Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with? I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the Army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.......................Now I understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship. I think I just found my ideal job..................$500.00 a week and all the product you want ......tail gunner on a Budweiser truck
  3. Saikatana

    No Dummy Zone

    The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!" So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!" Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!! A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *&%$%&!! Anyone who has studied the history of the Civil War (now that's an oxymoron) would know that the Democrat party both North and South wanted to keep slavery intact. Even after the war the KKK was created to continue the conflict that had resulted in the war. The Dems created the KKK. And as recently as Senator Byrd from WV we've had Democrat KKK members in congress. Know your history or you will repeat it.
  4. Saikatana

    Good Times

    Why are New Yorkers so pessimistic? ........................…..Because the light at the end of the tunnel.....was New Jersey! Me and the Mrs. Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine? Me: You were never really skinny. Time of death 5:16 pm at 517 P.M...…..Cause of death: Corona virus. Not Worth It An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it." Why were Monica's cheeks so puffy? ............….She's was withholding evidence.
  5. Saikatana

    Thoughts of the Day

    This virus has required Americans to make many sacrifices. So, if you happen to be sick..............................….kiss a Democrat. I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em. When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will..........................Hope that was helpful. I never thought I was that bad a driver......But last night my GPS told me,...………….."In 50 ft, stop and let me the HELL out!" My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate...……………. I guess that explains all the doughnuts.
  6. Saikatana

    Your

    After years of working hard and many late nights I've finally become a PhD.. ( Pizza Hut Deliveryman ) How can this not violate a law of some kind? My local PBS station has scheduled Downton Abbey for 47 hours straight......…………. It's inhuman. first it was alcohol that killed corona then they said heat may kill it next was sunlight might kill it so if you see me laying naked in the sun with a bottle of tequila do not disturb me...………..i am doing important medical research When he first noticed that his penis was growing larger. And staying erect longer, He was delighted, as was his wife. But... After several weeks, his penis had grown another 24 inches . He became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking, as it was starting to drag on the ground. So they both went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to them that, though rare, his condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" The wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," Said his wife coldly, "surely you're gonna lengthen his bloody legs, aren't you? Word of the day: Exhaustipated.......................Just too tired to give a crap.
  7. Saikatana

    Think About It

    If you had a choice of being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace...….………….what color Lamborghini would you buy ? In the 80's, Instagram was the name of my cocaine dealer. "If you don't vote for me, you ain't black" Joe Biden "Prisoners can't read." Joe Biden "I'm going to beat Joe Biden in November." Joe Biden According to Calvin Coolidge it takes 4 sheep to the acre to keep the grass mowed. \I don't have space for a sheep barn, so can anyone tell me how many vegans I would need and ……...can they be trained to not eat the blueberries in my yard? When you get angry, count to TEN - then throw a punch at 8 — nobody expects that You know that beautiful smell when you cook a thick juicy steak on the barbecue? I wonder if vegans get the same feeling when they mow the lawn ?
  8. Saikatana

    Why Not?

    Why are there no dumb brunettes? .................Peroxide Why does AOC wear her hair in a ponytail? .................To cover up the valve stem. If a Muslims's house suddenly explodes is it 1. An unfortunate accident with a leaking gas stove? 2. Target practice for the IDF? 3. A Muslim suicide bomber working from home? They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer...………. So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.
  9. Saikatana

    Wisdom From The Throne Room

    China claims Coronavirus came from an old bat...………………... But Nancy Pelosi denies any involvement At the funeral everyone said it's such a shame he died penniless ……..I don't know but sounds like perfect timing to me!! Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names. Bu called himself “Buck”. Chu called himself “Chuck”................................Fu had to go back to China. Maxine Waters is so old, when she was a kid.......... rainbows were in black and white. Hillary still loves nature............. despite what it did to her. The best thing about the Corona Virus is knowing some poor guy is quarantined with my psycho ex wife. https://forums.craigslist.org/?ID=306575043
  10. Saikatana

    Damn Woodpeckers... how you get rid of them?

    Had some WP working the cedar siding on our house right outside the bedroom window. Went to the dollar store and bought 2 helium filled Mylar balloons. Placed one outside the window with the string under the lower window frame. The second was tied to the porch post. Both were moved freely by the wind and the large eyes on them were a bonus. WP were gone the next day and have not returned
  11. Saikatana

    Just to Help

    If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", don't open it..............................It's a Jehovah Witness working from home. IF MEN REALLY RAN THE WORLD 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words..."Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
  12. Saikatana

    Way Too Much Free Time

    A Helpful Heloise kitchen Hint: If things get way worse and food supplies are cut off and we have to resort to cannibalism, keep this in mind...……..Go after vegetarians first. They are grass-fed. I noticed that the press is talking about how many males versus females are getting the virus.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, It's noteworthy that none of the other 73 genders are getting sick. It's way too soon for gyms to reopen ..................….At least right now I still have an excuse for not going AOC proudly boasted,," I can count the number of generations of inbreeding in my family on one hand.……………. 12. A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:............…………...……………."Will I get away with it?
  13. Saikatana

    Some Quickes

    Chuck Norris Visited a children's hospital, thus violating Social Distancing...…………...so the staff moved the hospital back six feet You thought dogs were hard to train ? ...........................….Look at all the humans who can't sit and stay ! in the middle ages, orgies were celebrated when the plague was defeated.....................does anyone know if anything is planned yet????????? I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when she scanned the package of bird seed................................... and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them. She said she wanted to walk down the aisle............................So I sent her to Walmart for beer.
  14. Saikatana

    Pause and Consider

    60 Years of Marriage An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal! The government is setting a good example in dealing with the coronavirus...…...…...…………………….... They're washing their hands of responsibility. Computer viruses of 2020 Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. The Wizard of Oz When Dorothy and Company arrive before the Wizard of Oz Scarecrow asks him for a brain. The Wizard hems and haws and stammers until smoke starts coming from his ears. “Are you sure that you want a brain?” he asks Scarecrow, but Scarecrow is adamant. So Oz goes behind his curtain and brings out his display models. “Here’s a Biden, model 2020,” says Oz. “It’s a prototype so we don’t know how it will actually function when in use.” But, Scarecrow passes saying that prototypes don’t have all the bugs worked out and will cause nothing but problems. So Oz next shows him a model 2016-2024 Bernie. “This is a tried and true model,” says Oz, “But, it has trouble with short-term memory; it can’t retain anything it has learned in the past 4 years.” Again Scarecrow passes saying that he wants a brain that is more reliable. Next Oz shows an AOC model number 0000. “It’s inflatable,” says Oz, “It’s guaranteed to fill any-size head to capacity.” But Scarecrow says, “It also means it’s full of hot air.”
  15. Saikatana

    Just the Way It Is

    Has anyone reached the point yet where you go through a fast food drive-thru window and order the cheapest thing on the menu...………………... just to get some napkins? Has anyone told the Amish what's going on ? Pelosi to AOC..........When this pandemic is over.............. I still want you to stay away. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom............….. until they are flashing behind you.
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