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NugginFutz

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    Sandoval Cty, New Mexico
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    New Mexico

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  1. NugginFutz

    Pastor's Business Card

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.. Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
  2. NugginFutz

    A Church Moment . . .

    A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' Isn't senility wonderful?
  3. NugginFutz

    Here, Kitty

  4. NugginFutz

    BOOM!

    ¿por que?
  5. NugginFutz

    Not you!

    ¿Que no se?
  6. NugginFutz

    Grandpa's Advice

    A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS TOLD HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL SHE DIED, AT THE AGE OF 103. SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
  7. NugginFutz

    OSHA inspector had a stroke.

    As the electrical manager in the plant where I work, I can tell you that it never ceases to amaze me that so many people whose job it is to do OTHER things believe they know more about things electrical than the people I have repairing damage like on the above anecdote. I have had to replace the electrical cords on 2 different battery chargers at least 3 times, each, this year already. I don't know what it is about the ground prong that offends so many people...
  8. NugginFutz

    Well, that's one way to do it....

    I was wondering if the garage was on US soil or not, but the 89 caddy just looks entirely unhappy, sitting there with its wheel arches stretched like that... No idea what the hell they’re repairing that needs it on the lift like that...
  9. NugginFutz

    History Quiz

    Teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Damn, we’re screwed." Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016." ***************
  10. NugginFutz

    Marine confession

  11. NugginFutz

    Hey NugginFutz

    Thanks, guys. Mighty kind of you!
  12. NugginFutz

    Thoughts From All Over

  13. NugginFutz

    The funeral

    A well liked cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge flower covered heart stood behind the casket during services. As the eulogy ended, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the deceased doctor inside, forever. At that moment, one of the mourners started to snicker and then, unable to control himself, burst out laughing. As those around him stared, he said, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but think of my own funeral. You see, I'm a gynecologist." At that moment, the proctologist fainted.
  14. Yep. I’ve really been ripping up this thread, haven’t I?
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