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NugginFutz

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    Sandoval Cty, New Mexico
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    New Mexico

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  1. NugginFutz

    Catholic Wisdom

    98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. 'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.' She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!'
  2. NugginFutz

    Ouch!

    A father walks into a shop with his young son. The boy is holding a twentyfive cent piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the twentyfive cent piece and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the shop. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the twentyfive cent piece, which the woman catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."
  3. NugginFutz

    Boudreaux and 'D Snake

    Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wita big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
  4. NugginFutz

    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 

    1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -- NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
  5. NugginFutz

    Pastor's Business Card

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.. Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
  6. NugginFutz

    A Church Moment . . .

    A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' Isn't senility wonderful?
  7. NugginFutz

    BOOM!

    ¿por que?
  8. NugginFutz

    Not you!

    ¿Que no se?
  9. NugginFutz

    Grandpa's Advice

    A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS TOLD HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL SHE DIED, AT THE AGE OF 103. SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
  10. NugginFutz

    OSHA inspector had a stroke.

    As the electrical manager in the plant where I work, I can tell you that it never ceases to amaze me that so many people whose job it is to do OTHER things believe they know more about things electrical than the people I have repairing damage like on the above anecdote. I have had to replace the electrical cords on 2 different battery chargers at least 3 times, each, this year already. I don't know what it is about the ground prong that offends so many people...
  11. NugginFutz

    Well, that's one way to do it....

    I was wondering if the garage was on US soil or not, but the 89 caddy just looks entirely unhappy, sitting there with its wheel arches stretched like that... No idea what the hell they’re repairing that needs it on the lift like that...
  12. NugginFutz

    History Quiz

    Teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Damn, we’re screwed." Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016." ***************
  13. NugginFutz

    Marine confession

  14. NugginFutz

    Hey NugginFutz

    Thanks, guys. Mighty kind of you!
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