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Okie

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About Okie

  • Rank
    Funny Man

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  • Location
    Oklahoma
  • State and Country Flags
    Alabama
  1. Okie

    Smart dog

    A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops. The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop. The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter. The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60. The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop. Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes. After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell. A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. "It's such an intelligent dog," he says, "surely it doesn't deserve this kind of treatment." He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change! The man looked at the butcher and said, "Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys".
  2. Okie

    Chicken

    A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car. He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him. Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 miles per hour and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken kept up. The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs. Growing even more curious, he followed the chicken down a road and into a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens around him had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these three legged chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, whenever we have chicken for dinner, everyone in the family fights over the legs, but there are only two. I have bred a three legged bird. It's going to make me a millionaire." "How do they taste," the man asked. The farmer said, "Don't know yet, I haven't been able to catch one."
  3. Okie

    Heart Surgeon

    Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser, Is that you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So, Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. Like you, I too take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
  4. Okie

    Three Students

    Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the student. "And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
  5. A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?" "I think it was the spin cycle."
  6. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
  7. Okie

    Blonde

    A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
  8. Okie

    Inheritance

    A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?" "My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered. "Boy, that's tough," the man replied. Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000." "Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man. "Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added. "That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man. "Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"
  9. Okie

    Your gonna die

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
  10. Okie

    Hearing Problem

    An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before. One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
  11. Okie

    Memory's Going

    An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said. "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast.
  12. Okie

    Bus driver

    One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad." She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him." "You're right sir, I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
  13. Okie

    A real jerk

    Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
  14. Okie

    Sheep farmer

    Farmer John was a sheep farmer. He raised sheep all over his property. One day, a beautiful young brunette came up and asked him, "Farmer John, if I can tell exactly how many sheep you have in your fields, can I have a lamb to take home and raise myself?" Farmer John agreed, knowing wholeheartedly that he had way too many to guess accurately. The beautiful, young brunette told him that he had 376 sheep in his field. Farmer John was beside himself. He had exactly 376 sheep! Being a man of his word, he told her to go and pick out the sheep that she wanted. For about an hour the, brunette was out in the field. Finally she returned with her choice. Farmer John looked and her and asked, "Now, can I ask you a question?" The brunette complied. Farmer John asked, "If I can tell you what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I please have my dog back?"
  15. Okie

    Where is God?

    A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
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