PTSD awareness

[Rexwagon]

The PTSD awareness month/day was actual named/inacted after a friend of mine. SSG Joe Biel

 

He was a great man and a great soldier to have served with.

 

Serving with him in Iraq, none of us would have guessed he was struggling. It wasn't his first rodeo over there and he had spent plenty of time in the army. He was stationed in Italy, airborne, expert infantry, Stationed in Germany. Awesome NCO. Looked out for his troops and took great pride in his job. Had already been deployed to Iraq, as many of us had. All of us who knew joe were shocked when we had heard the news. Everyone I deployed with, including myself have our struggles from time to time.

 

Joe is missed. God has a good soldier at his side.

 

http://nation.time.com/2012/06/28/the-war-after-the-war/

 

http://militaryfamily.about.com/b/2011/06/26/june-27-is-national-ptsd-awareness-day.htm

[scotto]

[Mack68]

That Which I Love Destroys Me

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMJGu6MGUnM

[gshayd]

I have been dealing with PTSD since I got back. My wife bless her for putting her foot up my ass to get some help.  I only had one problem and that was that my job required me to have a security clearance so I was hesitant to make it an issue. Finally, the DOD changed up the policy and exempted you from putting any mental health history on your clearance request. I finally filed at the VA for PTSD and the Doctor that interviewed me asked me why I waited to file. I explained to him that I would have probably had my security clearance pulled at the time which meant that no security clearance equals no job. When you are a senior leader and you have to make decisions on where people go in harm's way that is a lot of stress. These are folks you have known you know their families too. One mom had asked me to bring her son back home safe. He had just graduated from high school and finished his military training.  You would go to the dangerous places instead of sending a subordinate but command is not going to let you. I prayed every day for the folks I had to send in harms was and worried about them. My wife was back home coping with her health issues. The strain was 24/7 every day plus the other issues you had to deal with that were life and death situations. I finally met a good counselor at the VA and she gave me some coping mechanisms. Am I cured...no I am not. However, I can use some of the training I was given to help me cope with stuff. So my advice is don't be afraid to admit you need help and grasp the hand that reaches out to help you. Some days you will feel worthless as a human being. Also, it helps to have a sense of humor about things. If you can laugh you can defeat this beast on your back. I had some anger issues but a good Christian counselor helped me out. I realized people had me carrying anger around when it wasn't my problem. I learned the mighty power of forgiveness and that weight rolled away from me to where it belonged. So if you have that monkey on your back reach out to family and friends and get a good counselor who can give you what you need. It isn't about being a weak or strong person. The strongest people will fall to PTSD. So if any of my brothers on this forum or one of your family members need help don't hesitate to reach out to me.

[Retcop]

NOT FOR YOUNG READERS 

 

FOR MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY

 

Many thanks for sharing your  personal story.  

It is my sincere hope your story will help others. 

 

I have never equated being a soldier with being a cop, but there are some similarities. 

One of the most traumatic things I went through was being one of the first to arrive on the scene of a house fire

where 8 children died of smoke inhalation. 

Having two young daughters myself,  in the "bucket line" of unconscious children, I happened to end up holding a 3 year old little girl, and ran with her away from the house.

I laid her down on the wet grass and began CPR. I had a trainee with me, so I was trying to get him squared away with assisting.

There were already a few of us on the lawn with the child victims, and I remember seeing out of  the corner of my eye other cops bringing out 

victim after victim, all children. I remember getting on the radio and asking them to send every ambulance they could lay their hands

on in the area, and to alert the hospital. We only had two ambulances active in town, one stationed in between towns, and God knows if they were tied up on another run.

I'm sure it was minutes, but it seemed like hours before the Fire Department arrived, and even longer for any ambulances. 

 

I continued to work on this angelic faced little girl, who seemed to be sleeping except for some black soot on her face, and around her nostrils and mouth. 

The girl was still warm. I kept telling myself "You can do this, she's still warm !" over and over again, and variations on "Please God !" a million times, but I failed. 

Finally an ambulance crew took over and I stopped working on her. She did not make it.  None of them did.

 

A crowd had began forming at the hospital so I was dispatched there to make sure there were no problems. The reason we were concerned with 

problems between family members and different families, is that we had already received information that the woman who was supposed to be watching the

children, several of which had been playing with matches, left the 8 younger children alone in the care of a 12 year old girl, the only child who was able to escape the house 

and who had run for help. The woman, who had 3 of her children die, was later discovered to have been at the local bar, where she had been smoking crack and getting drunk. 

 

It was a chaotic scene for a while at the hospital, but  after the "babysitting mom" was located, she was hidden away for her own safety, and the different factions separated  and calmed somewhat. Blame everywhere. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth, as you can imagine. My partner on this detail, a Marine, and I leaned against the building,

lit up cigarettes and let the tears roll down our faces.  In a few minutes the Marine and I were ordered by an angry Sargent to take the "mother" down to the hospital 

morgue to have her identify the 8 dead children, because we still were not certain who they were and had a lot of desperate family members. She was very drunk, very high,

and not willing to cooperate. All she was concerned about was it was not her fault. She wanted to get the hell out of there. A range of emotions from pity to rage washed over me, mostly rage. On the way to the morgue level, she tried to escape.  I know what the compassionate thing to do was, but my bosses had talked to me, picked me for a reason, and told me we needed to get those kids identified if we could or a parade of parents, grandparents, aunts, & uncles would insist on immediate ID's. Rightly or wrongly, I dragged the mother into the morgue room and then tried to calm her down, but I failed.  She never did identify any children that night/morning, 

 

After many long hours past shift's end, I was driving home, with the taste of the child's sooty mouth still in my mine from the CPR. I kept trying to 

figure out why I had not been able to revive her, as I was thinking she had died so recently she was still warm. Then it finally hit me that the reason she was still

warm was that she had been baked alive. I had to pull the car over.  

 

I had called home before I left work, told the wife there had been a fire and I would be home soon (I knew she would be worried as I was far past due

and she was up) I asked her to tell the girls Daddy was really tired, and set them up with breakfast and cartoons upstairs.  My wife sat in a living room chaired and I kneeled before her, buried my head in her lap and sobbed like a baby  while she stroked my hair until I had it out of me. We prayed. I took a long hot shower and then went to my girls.

Lots of extra hugs, kisses, and smiles, but they could see the tears through the smiles and asked what was wrong. I told them Daddy was just very tired

and needed to get some sleep.

 

I displayed some classic symptoms, but this had been before the days where PTSD had really caught on as a catch-all diagnosis for adjustment problems

caused by experiencing traumatic events.  The most bothersome were the smell of smoke, that taste in my mouth, and the sound of fire engine sirens. 

One evening a few weeks later at the start of shift, I had done my rounds, and parked on a hilltop grade school parking lot where you could see much of the City and the sunset. I had reports to catch up on. I distinctly heard the sound of fire engines. I always had my radio set up to monitor the Fire Department's radio traffic, but there was no tone out.  I was so sure, I radioed dispatch and asked them where the fire was.  A hesitant dispatcher insisted there were no trucks dispatched after checking with the FD. 

 

The auditory, olfactory, and taste experiences eventually faded away as I turned to my faith and my family to get through this. 

Unfortunately, I was involved in a number of other very traumatic situations, including another major fire where I was first on the scene,

with a light snow falling and a strange sound that turned out to be the sound of jumping people hitting  concrete.  Some were horribly burned with major injuries 

from the 5 or 6 story fall.   Multiple traumatic events  are not at all unusual for First Responders. 

 

I believe we all deal with these things in our own way, and seeking professional help is a very good thing. 

Other than seeking professional help, one of the reasons I purposely decided to include the details here, was to help

people understand the kind of things your police do, that they are part of your community, and they need your support. 

We are people who have chosen to do a very difficult job, most of us because we simply have a strong streak of "sheepdog" in us,

to simplify it all. It is my hope that people will think twice the next time they hear media reports of some possibly inappropriate actions by your police. 

I urge you to make the conscious effort for your default position not to be that the cops must have done something wrong.  You can think it, you can feel

it, but I urge you not to say it out loud in public until the facts are in. Don't gossip about it when you really have no idea what happened.   We all want a thorough investigation,

and if there is wrongdoing by the police, then appropriate consequences are in order.  You need to know that your police can see, feel, hear and sense when

our community, or portions of our community's default position is "the cops MUST have done something wrong."   With the jobs we have chosen, with the reasons

why we have chosen it, I hope I can make you believe that the negative default position is an additional trauma unto itself. The number of people who choose the devault

position of "the cops must have done something wrong" seems to have grown exponentially over the past 10 years or so, and Monday morning quarterbacking  of police appears to have become its own sport. I believe some of this can be attributed to the saturation of false narratives by a media with no conscious.  Cops are human, and we are also innocent until proven guilty. 

 

I hope I have done a little good here and reinforced gshayd's call for Veterans, First Responders, and others who have lived through traumatic events

and high stress to seek professional help. It is critical for the family and friends of Veterans and others be there for that person,  even for nothing else but than to listen.

The adage that "people who talk about suicide don't commit suicide" is false.  We are losing Veterans to suicide at an alarming rate and I would urge anyone 

who knows someone, especially a Veteran, who is going through rough times to get on-line and look up the warning signs of suicide, if the signs are there try and get that person to talk to someone, even by phone to start with.  The VA now has a program where professionals and laymen can call the Behavioral Services Unit at the closet VA Hospital or satellite office, and report a friend or family member is going through some hard times. I will leave this up to the individual families and close friends of the troubled Veterans,  because I understand the possible objections. What you need to understand is this program involves specialized program where the hospital does 

wellness check outreach simply in order to see if the veteran feels like talking, or would like to schedule an office visit. Sometimes it is simply a check of the next time the Veteran has a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment, and an effort can be made by staff to be sure to be on the alert for signs of depression anxiety, or suicide. 

I have personally seen this program save the lives of some of the vets I work with,  and if  your relative or friend knows or suspects you have taken action, I would rather have them upset than dead.  If the person is in crisis call the police to have that person to the ER for a mental health screening.  For someone with whom you have an established relationship, studies have shown that eliciting a firm and physical promise that the person will not hurt themselves helps prevent suicide, but that promise is for when the troubled person is not yet ready to seek help, and further action is needed. It is not a solution, but something to buy time.  

 

The number of Veterans we are losing by their own hand is a travesty, while society worries about invaders at our borders getting pepper maced when they attack our Border Patrol. If you are a Veteran in need, please seek help. If you are a friend or family member of a Veteran in need, say something to someone who can/will help.

Don't take no or delay for an answer.

Thanks gshayd.

Thank all of you.

John

 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2018 by Retcop
not for kids

[rasputin]

I am especially interested in what people can recall that has been helpful.  What has been said. What has been done. Strategies.

[towtruck]

Tens years in a fire department and 17+ working with law enforcement and I have seen things. Not as bad as most but I have held the hand and groomed the hair of a dead 6 year old girl to keep the family calm while we worked on the living. Many more stories I choose to forget. They build up inside and I'm not sure what the release is but I get very emotional the older I get towards the little good things in life. Stories I see or read will break me out in tears very easily. 

Sad things, tragic stories, death.....I just get numb, not a lot of reaction. I will react normally to my pets troubles and other things but I can see a story of a complete stranger doing something happy and I will cry, death or tragedy in the story I shake my head and move on. 

 

When I get angry and things build up it is always good to just let it out. I lost my cool at work on Friday when I was alone with a driver. Sometimes yelling at the top of your lungs at a complete idiot is very therapeutic.    The way I deal with that pent up anger, once it jumps out, is to now try and find a way to correct the situation that caused the stress in the first place. Working on a solution always helps me. Even if I cannot change others behavior it helps me change mine if needed. 

[Rampy]

5 hours ago, rasputin said:

I am especially interested in what people can recall that has been helpful.  What has been said. What has been done. Strategies.

 

 

Like CBT?

 

I'm confused by your question, but it's been a very hard past few days for me and I'm lacking sleep.

 

edit: are you talking about things like Acupuncture? I get poked every Friday feet/toes, arms.ears, top of head, back of hands....about 20-25 needles a session.....I'll go in wound up, anxious, hate filled, angry at the world.....not sleeping, or sleeping 18 hours a day.....

 

It grounds me, takes away the anger, the hate, the pain is reduced and I find the more pain I get the more angry, hate filled I am and the worse things get.......

 

One thing I find really strange, but intreguing is how many people that have PTSD are in the lifestyle and have solid marriages while so many other are not and end up being divorced. Been watching this for years as our neighbors 26 years ago tried getting us into the lifestyle and we refused. They are still married and in the lifestyle while the other couples we knew who were not into the lifestyle are divorced. Ever since then we pay more attention and it seems to hold true, if your in a high stress/PTSD kind of job and your in the lifestyle you will stay married.........

Edited December 3, 2018 by Rampy

[Rampy]

56 minutes ago, towtruck said:

Tens years in a fire department and 17+ working with law enforcement and I have seen things. Not as bad as most but I have held the hand and groomed the hair of a dead 6 year old girl to keep the family calm while we worked on the living. Many more stories I choose to forget. They build up inside and I'm not sure what the release is but I get very emotional the older I get towards the little good things in life. Stories I see or read will break me out in tears very easily. 

Sad things, tragic stories, death.....I just get numb, not a lot of reaction. I will react normally to my pets troubles and other things but I can see a story of a complete stranger doing something happy and I will cry, death or tragedy in the story I shake my head and move on. 

 

When I get angry and things build up it is always good to just let it out. I lost my cool at work on Friday when I was alone with a driver. Sometimes yelling at the top of your lungs at a complete idiot is very therapeutic.    The way I deal with that pent up anger, once it jumps out, is to now try and find a way to correct the situation that caused the stress in the first place. Working on a solution always helps me. Even if I cannot change others behavior it helps me change mine if needed. 

 

I had to get out of the ambulance business as running kids killed me, still see a couple in my sleep.....for me it's easier seing a old guy or even a young guy die than it is a infant/child....and all you could do was your best while screaming in your head......

 

lots of what you described above....I have and display.....

[Pepper]

2 hours ago, towtruck said:

Tens years in a fire department and 17+ working with law enforcement and I have seen things. Not as bad as most but I have held the hand and groomed the hair of a dead 6 year old girl to keep the family calm while we worked on the living. Many more stories I choose to forget. They build up inside and I'm not sure what the release is but I get very emotional the older I get towards the little good things in life. Stories I see or read will break me out in tears very easily. 

Sad things, tragic stories, death.....I just get numb, not a lot of reaction. I will react normally to my pets troubles and other things but I can see a story of a complete stranger doing something happy and I will cry, death or tragedy in the story I shake my head and move on. 

 

When I get angry and things build up it is always good to just let it out. I lost my cool at work on Friday when I was alone with a driver. Sometimes yelling at the top of your lungs at a complete idiot is very therapeutic.    The way I deal with that pent up anger, once it jumps out, is to now try and find a way to correct the situation that caused the stress in the first place. Working on a solution always helps me. Even if I cannot change others behavior it helps me change mine if needed. 

Preach it brother. I watch a Facebook video about rescued dogs, and I'm crying like a baby. The Facebook feed pops up with videos of officers funeral processions for a line of duty death, or a last radio call, and if I watch, I'm an emotional wreck. Watched a video the other day, three rappers bought an older lady a tank of gas when they saw her buying a gallon or two with pennies. Cried like you wouldn't believe. And like you, I deal with tragedy all the time. Death notification? Meh. Messy suicide, careful, don't step in the grey matter on the floor. Like water off a duck's back. 

 

I don't lose my cool anymore. I don't like what happens, or what that feels like. I've gotten a longer fuse, and learned when it's gotten lit. If I do lose it, I'm afraid of what that might bring. Hopefully if I do, it's righteous anger and I only do what's necessary. I do get to a state where people THINK I'm losing my cool, but I'm firmly in control and while I may be upset, the decisions and actions are completely rational and carefully considered. 

 

One of the things that has helped me, is to allow myself to have emotions. Allowing myself to feel hurt, happy, sad, angry. It's easy to rationalize things, tell yourself that you have more important stuff to be doing or feeling, and stuff it away. I don't do that anymore, I let myself feel. I may not like the emotions, but they're real, and I need to feel them to stay grounded. I live more in the moment, instead of planning for success much later on. Goals are good, but I also want to live in the here and now, instead of waiting for tomorrow. 

[Retcop]

3 hours ago, towtruck said:

Tens years in a fire department and 17+ working with law enforcement and I have seen things. Not as bad as most but I have held the hand and groomed the hair of a dead 6 year old girl to keep the family calm while we worked on the living. Many more stories I choose to forget. They build up inside and I'm not sure what the release is but I get very emotional the older I get towards the little good things in life. Stories I see or read will break me out in tears very easily. 

Sad things, tragic stories, death.....I just get numb, not a lot of reaction. I will react normally to my pets troubles and other things but I can see a story of a complete stranger doing something happy and I will cry, death or tragedy in the story I shake my head and move on. 

 

When I get angry and things build up it is always good to just let it out. I lost my cool at work on Friday when I was alone with a driver. Sometimes yelling at the top of your lungs at a complete idiot is very therapeutic.    The way I deal with that pent up anger, once it jumps out, is to now try and find a way to correct the situation that caused the stress in the first place. Working on a solution always helps me. Even if I cannot change others behavior it helps me change mine if needed. 

 

Well said, TT.  

In regard to my own experience and experience with my clients, the problems really ramp up when those thoughts and memories intrude on your thinking,

and you lose control of them. IMHO, that is when it is imperative to see a professional who can help give you the tools to stop the intrusive and/or self destructive thoughts. 

[Retcop]

33 minutes ago, Pepper said:

Preach it brother. I watch a Facebook video about rescued dogs, and I'm crying like a baby. The Facebook feed pops up with videos of officers funeral processions for a line of duty death, or a last radio call, and if I watch, I'm an emotional wreck. Watched a video the other day, three rappers bought an older lady a tank of gas when they saw her buying a gallon or two with pennies. Cried like you wouldn't believe. And like you, I deal with tragedy all the time. Death notification? Meh. Messy suicide, careful, don't step in the grey matter on the floor. Like water off a duck's back. 

 

I don't lose my cool anymore. I don't like what happens, or what that feels like. I've gotten a longer fuse, and learned when it's gotten lit. If I do lose it, I'm afraid of what that might bring. Hopefully if I do, it's righteous anger and I only do what's necessary. I do get to a state where people THINK I'm losing my cool, but I'm firmly in control and while I may be upset, the decisions and actions are completely rational and carefully considered. 

 

One of the things that has helped me, is to allow myself to have emotions. Allowing myself to feel hurt, happy, sad, angry. It's easy to rationalize things, tell yourself that you have more important stuff to be doing or feeling, and stuff it away. I don't do that anymore, I let myself feel. I may not like the emotions, but they're real, and I need to feel them to stay grounded. I live more in the moment, instead of planning for success much later on. Goals are good, but I also want to live in the here and now, instead of waiting for tomorrow. 

 

What you and TT said. The older I get I can get misty over a tender moment with the kids or grandkids,

let alone cop's or military funerals, or caskets coming home.  Oh, yeah, I have to turn off the ASPCA commercials too. 

My adult daughter and I watched a late night documentary on the Military Canines in Iraq, and the Army would not let them take the dogs home.

The handler said that when he turned the leash over to the Iraqi "soldier"  it was the first and only time he had ever seen the dog act afraid, despite all they had been through.  Daughter and I were both balling.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

 

One thing I'd like to ask you all about is the geographical connection. 

I can hardly drive past a place in town without remember something that happened at that place.

Could have been a  funny,  heartwarming, maddening, or adrenaline pumping connection.  (or any combination thereof) 

Edited December 3, 2018 by Retcop

[Retcop]

2 hours ago, Rampy said:

 

 

Like CBT?

 

I'm confused by your question, but it's been a very hard past few days for me and I'm lacking sleep.

 

edit: are you talking about things like Acupuncture? I get poked every Friday feet/toes, arms.ears, top of head, back of hands....about 20-25 needles a session.....I'll go in wound up, anxious, hate filled, angry at the world.....not sleeping, or sleeping 18 hours a day.....

 

It grounds me, takes away the anger, the hate, the pain is reduced and I find the more pain I get the more angry, hate filled I am and the worse things get.......

 

One thing I find really strange, but intreguing is how many people that have PTSD are in the lifestyle and have solid marriages while so many other are not and end up being divorced. Been watching this for years as our neighbors 26 years ago tried getting us into the lifestyle and we refused. They are still married and in the lifestyle while the other couples we knew who were not into the lifestyle are divorced. Ever since then we pay more attention and it seems to hold true, if your in a high stress/PTSD kind of job and your in the lifestyle you will stay married.........

 

Rampy,

I'm not trying to be funny...

Have you ever considered doing a few hours of volunteer work per week as you can tolerate it ? 

Is that a possibility ? 

John

Edited December 3, 2018 by Retcop

[Pepper]

5 hours ago, Retcop said:

 

One thing I'd like to ask you all about is the geographical connection. 

I can hardly drive past a place in town without remember something that happened at that place.

Could have been a  funny,  heartwarming, maddening, or adrenaline pumping connection.  (or any combination thereof) 

Yep. I am an FTO, and my last recruit talks about it. I would point out houses as we drove around, and I'd tell stories. Didn't even realize I was doing it until he said something. I have all sorts of "triggers". One of them is smells. Today I was in the DMV, and a smell hit my nose. The rancid, nasty sweat of a tweaker. Not just someone who hasn't bathed in a while, but the kinda chemical-ly tang to the B.O.  smell. I instantly was on guard, looking around like crazy to see where it was coming from. Guy at the window next to mine acted like everything was cool, but you could tell he was messed up, and so was his girlfriend. I saw the recognition in his eyes. He knew that I knew. I was wearing my grungy outfit, and didn't shave this morning, he probably made me for another doper. 

[MontanaLon]

6 hours ago, Retcop said:

One thing I'd like to ask you all about is the geographical connection. 

I can hardly drive past a place in town without remember something that happened at that place.

Could have been a  funny,  heartwarming, maddening, or adrenaline pumping connection.  (or any combination thereof) 

 

36 minutes ago, Pepper said:

Yep. I am an FTO, and my last recruit talks about it. I would point out houses as we drove around, and I'd tell stories. Didn't even realize I was doing it until he said something. I have all sorts of "triggers". One of them is smells. Today I was in the DMV, and a smell hit my nose. The rancid, nasty sweat of a tweaker. Not just someone who hasn't bathed in a while, but the kinda chemical-ly tang to the B.O.  smell. I instantly was on guard, looking around like crazy to see where it was coming from. Guy at the window next to mine acted like everything was cool, but you could tell he was messed up, and so was his girlfriend. I saw the recognition in his eyes. He knew that I knew. I was wearing my grungy outfit, and didn't shave this morning, he probably made me for another doper. 

Yep, it's kind of funny, I do the same thing with my kids. There was a fire in that house, fire in that house, we had a bad wreck that ended up against that tree. I don't tell them about the bad call places. I don't tell them, I once kneeled there doing CPR on a 12 year old. Don't mention where the girl fell off a car she was riding on and turned her into a vegetable. Where the 7 year old got hit by a car going 50mph. Those things messed with me, still mess with me, will probably mess with me the rest of my life. No sense in letting it mess with them too.